Roller Coasters

ugh...I had written a really good intro on my last blog and stupid me didnt copy and paste it.  I hate introductions though. Can't I pretend that you just know me already? I guess not. That would be creepy. Anyhoo..Im 30, have a 13 year old kid (if you haven't done the math already, I had her at 16) and living with an autoimmune disease called MS. I guess my journey in this so called life has been like a roller coaster with alot of loops....just when your tummy starts to settle, you hit the other loop. If I really think about how many loops, I would probably puke right now. I am just coming off my last loop in my life and I hope they are just little from here now on. Let me enlighten you with the details (you know you wannnnnttt itttt).

First HUGE rollercoaster loop: Going back to my precious gift that was given to me when I was 16...I will call her Cakes. This little person changed my life forever. Was I ready to bring a baby in this world? no, Was I ready for all the responsibilities? no, Was I able to fix this problem before it arrived? no, it was set in my mind that this little person would be with me forever and that meant my life would be turned upside down and shaken like a snowglobe. So on a rainy September day, Cakes came in this world with a fire so strong I still get burnt. My mom always said we need pray that this baby would have a strong spirit. Well jeez, sometimes I wonder if we prayed a bit too hard! She is everything I wish I could have been, strong willed, a natural born leader and self-esteem! and she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen (I guess every mom says that about their kids). I sometimes think these traits skipped a generation from my mom to her lol.

Roller Coaster Loop #2, 3, 4, 5, etc: My relationship with Cake's daddy was a hard one. "Boston" came from a broken home just like me but his had a few more pieces that were harder to pick up. Oooohh I loved this 'man' but he was still a boy. I always thought I loved him too much and he didn't love enough. Unfortunate events happened that caused us to spend 10 years apart. So when Cakes was 18 months. I went on with my life, raising my Cakes alone with a broken heart and decided to make something of myself. I set what I thought was impossible goals (high school) finished that and went on and got my degree. I now find myself in the social services field...I was always a "fixer" I guess. Life went on and guys came and went. I thought I could fill the void Boston left...at the same time I wanted him back, I also wanted to beat him up with my bare hands! Then I panicked! not a good thing for someone as impulsive as myself. I started dating a close family friend in 2005. Our families were close, we grew up together, so I thought this could work out, couldn't it? NOPE we ended up getting married in 2007(even though the little voice in my head AND my mom were telling me not too). Well did he ever end up being phonier than a 3 dollar bill! I think he was having an affair....with his X-Box! I lost of family and friends when this relationship ended. It made see the ugliness of so called "christian" people. I was a sinner for not wanting reconcile this relationship and a sinner for wanting to be with Cake's daddy?  that so does not sit well with me!

Roller Coaster Loop # 9:  About a year into failing marriage, Boston re-entered. It took everything in me not to throw up in the middle of the Perkins restaurant when I saw him. The fear you can have from one person really shakes you up. But this Boston was different. I was waiting for the rudeness, the cockyness, the reason why I was scared in the first place......it was nowhere to be found! Of course I had every guard up, but in March 2009...we could not deny it anymore....we still loved each other...I waited 10 fricken long years for a truth filled, heart wrenching apology and I got it... My loser husband moved out a month before, Boston's loser girlfriend took off in January and we decided this is it....our Notebook moment! and I could not ask for a better husband and dad. His love for Cakes and I is sooo solid that if I could bottle it and sell it I would have some big bucks right now.

Roller Coaster Loop #10: While feeling the bliss of this new but old relationship with Boston, I was thrown on my roller coaster once again with a very huge loop. I feel Im still on this loop, and its called MS. oooohhhh how I hate it! I was once the envy of girls who could not be athletic but wished they could be, to being lucky if I can fight my way around the ethnic people of my local superstore! I have so much support but I feel so alone...knowing  that I will have to stick myself every other day with a needle filled with battery acid like medication (my stomach and legs look like I lost in a major pinching war) just to have a "chance" of being able to walk in 10 years is enough to make me go on some meds that let me see purple clouds and pretty pink elephants. I sometimes want to give up but the long generational line of strong Native women who raised me would slap me if I did!

So for now I am just trying to live life day to day with faith....I was raised in Faith in God and I will admit its been a struggle, not my faith in what I believe but wondering why I was dealt these cards in life. I've really found who my true family and friends are in these trials and I cherish them all so much!

Well thats way more than enough for now!!
Miss Mandy